


How To Marry A Spider And Survive

by pixiepuff33



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Marvel - Freeform, Marvel Universe, Spideypool - Freeform, more tags to be added as the story goes on - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-04-14 09:59:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4560348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixiepuff33/pseuds/pixiepuff33
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A comprehensive How To Guide on surviving your courtship to your respective Spider-person.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meet The Man

**Author's Note:**

> (( The Bold and Italics are meant to be Wade's boxes))

_Woah. Hottie alert!_

**More like model. God _damn_.**

Big blue eyes and long, thick black lashes. The kids face was pale and thick rimmed glasses rested on a thin, almost button, nose. His hair was short, light brown and so fluffy looking it should be illegal. It stuck up at odd ends and random directions that must have taken either an  hour with gel or six through sleep.

He was an obvious beanpole, all legs by the looks of it. But he was lean. Most likely muscled and was definitely shorter than he looked.  Five nine? Yeah,around there. He had large thin feet, thick undoubtedly plucked eyebrows and was currently eating a chili cheese dog on a park bench in hand me down jeans, a gray coat and a Ramones t-shirt.

He was either a super hot and surprisingly clean hobo or a poor kid with a good taste in food and hipster fashion sense.

Wade leaned on the back of the park bench he sat on and let out a low whistle when the guy took a large bite of the chili dog,watching him lean forward to avoid getting any drippings on his clothes and managing to get a good half of it in his mouth.The guy had no gag reflex.

Wade was both impressed and turned on.

" He's perfect. It shouldn't be allowed to be this perfect."

**We know nothing about him. He could be a serial killer. Or a republican.**

_He sure is easy on the eyes though. Oh! Get a camera he's licking his fingers._

Deadpool rested his chin on his hand and gleefully watched the brunette stick each of his five digits into his mouth and slowly pull each back with a pop up until he reached the thumb. He then stopped and scrunched up his nose with a furrow of thick brows, thumb still in his mouth, then pulled out the finger and frowned.

Which finally made Deadpool realize the kid was staring-- no. Glaring. Glaring at him.

_ABORT. ABORT._

**DON'T JUST SIT THERE DUCK AND COVER!**

Deadpool cursed when the guy stood and decided to quickly flip off his seat in retreat. His back arched against the wood back on the bench and when his hands made contact with the concrete, flipped flat onto his face.

**UM. OW.**

_Smooth move, dillweed. He totally didn't see us._

Wade grumbled and started to push himself upright until the saw the black and white of converse sneakers right up to his eyeline. They were old and pretty much on their last leg. And the jean cuffs a little ways above them had a smear of a fresh grass stain against the outside that seemed to match the same one on the back of the shoe.

Wade looked up and forced a smile.

" Uh. Hi?"

Blue eyes-Nice ass scrunched up his face and glared down his nose at him.

"What are you doing?"

_He has the voice of a pubescent angel._

Deadpool crossed his arms under his chin and tried to shimmy his foot out from where it was stuck between the bars of the bench seat while he spoke, bumping the other foot against the back casually.

" Just chillaxing. You know, cool kid stuff.You wouldn't understand."

Blue eyes's mouth thinned and an incresingly more suspicious glare was directed at the merc. No one should be allowed to look that cute while being angry.It was so cute it was sexy. Sexy-cute. Sexcute.Cutesy? Cu--...No wait.

_Pay attention for longer than three seconds why don't you?_

" No," Blue eyes spoke slowly, like he was explaining it to a four year old and not a mercenary.

**There's not that much of a difference.**

" I mean, why were you staring at me?"

Wade opened his mouth immediately then paused. There were a number of ways this could go and none of them actually ended without a punch to the face, or at this angle a kick. His inner machocist might actually like that. Actually his inner machocist would fucking love that. He'd take any bruise this cutie would give him.

**It's not like we're not used to it.**

_Another day another kick to the dick._

Blue eyes was pale. He'd probably bruise easy. Heh,his inner sadist liked that even more. He could leave some nice hickeys on that long neck of his. Or maybe of fingerprints on his hips while he helped him ride hi--

" Isn't that what you're supposed to do in teen romance novels to get someone hot to notice you? Stare longingly until they come over?" Wade said to interrupt his mental boner.

He stood a little clumsily, tripping over his own boot but eventually standing up and brushing the dirt off his suit.

Blue eyes now had to look up at him to see his face and his expression was oddly not pissed. It looked more than a little...amused? Was he blushing? His cheeks were pink.

" Are you serious?" Blue eyes wasn't smiling just yet but Wade could see him fighting it in his eyes. The question sounded serious even though his tone didn't make it feel like it was.

" And what about that attempt to retreat?"

" That was my mating dance."

Blue eyes laughed and quickly tried to cover up the sound and the smile that followed.It sent something bubbly into a frenzy down in his stomach and it shot up his spine until it circulated into his fingertips and allowed a smile to bloom across his jagged features.

A thin finger came out from Blue eyes's large sleeve and pushed up his glasses. It only succeeded to making his eyes larger.

" Nice dance,--..uh...Spider-Man copycat guy?" Blue eyes smiled a bit dumbly and gestured to Wade's suit.

_He wants our name? How did this go from a sexual harassment suit to an introduction?_

**Just got with it! Our idiocy is actually paying off for once!**

"Deadpool."

Blue eyes nodded and seemed to accept that without a fight.

" Peter."

" What? No,Deadpool. Are you stupid?"

Blues laughed again. Why did this guy find him so funny? This wasn't his good stuff.Actually Wade was pretty sure he was just rude.

" No," Blue eyes held out his hand. "That's my name. I'm Peter. Peter Parker."

**Oh my god.**

_He--oh wow. This is the dumbest luck we've ever had._

**Dumb luck?**

_Because only luck could get us near a guy this hot and we're dumb as shit._

**Ah yes.**

"Uh...yeah. Hey." Wade grinned awkwardly, shaking the guys hand with a little too much gusto. But Peter didn't seem to mind, he let the merc shake his arm up and down enthusiastically once to twice with an amused smile before placing his other hand over top Wade's and slowing it down.

" Yeah. Hi." Peter agreed and after a few seconds released Deadpool's hand so that his own could fall at his sides.

**His fingers are long and thin.**

_We practically engulfed him with our big meaty claws._

**We need this one. I like him. He can be our new Al. Or our new Death.**

_Or our new nothing? How about we just ask him ou--_

"Well. Um, bye Deadpool."

" Oh yeah- wait what?" Wade did a double take, watching the brunette turn and wave over his shoulder.

"Well damn."

**Oh well.**

_That was by far the weirdest person we've ever met. I'm pretty sure he LIKED us._

**To think this started off as a taco run.**

_I guess we're switching from tacos to hot dogs for a while, huh?...Nobody?_

The voices went on for a while, going off on a tangent half way through, something about dogs and helicopters? But Wade watched Peter's path until he lost sight of the young man through the crowded streets, waiting to see if he'd look back.

He didn't.

"Huh. Peter Parker."


	2. Meet The Spider

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (( The boxes are now dashes and parenthesis ))

( In hindsight, putting our Del taco in the same duffel bag as our bomb supplies wasn't the best idea while roof jumping.)

Deadpool sighed into said bag, looking the meaty and cheesy remains if his lunch with a pout.

It was a shopping day.

Find our guy and pick up this weeks weapons shipment, then get some lunch. Then the bank, dry cleaners and a few rounds of roulette with Bob as the target.

Ya know, sunday stuff.

( This pretty much puts a damper on game day.)

/ I think it's football?? One of the teams with the racist name and the water animal./

" What's the point of watching buff men ram into each other with out my Del Taco?" Wade whined, lifting himself off of the bank roof he sat on and holding the bag under his arm.

" And Samantha's closed on sundays."

(Isn't the bank closed too?)

" God damnit!"

With that, Deadpool slumped down and threw the duffel bag across the roof, holding his head in his hands with a wry frown.

It hadn't exactly been his week.

Monday, Logan chops his head off for one reason or another that was probably justified.Leading the first meeting with Death he'd had in about three months only to be promptly dumped in whatever afterlife relationship they ever might of had because " I can't die." apparently stopped being a reasonable excuse not to visit as often as he liked.

Tuesday, get stuck with Bob on a well paying mission only to watch it fail when Bob literally helps the target get on his escape boat because "He was having trouble" and " I'm so sorry Mr.Wilson I didn't see his face please don't punch me."

Wednesday, Another bomb in a box from someone who hated him. Not that he kept track from who anymore.

Thursday's, New episode of Glee. Ugh. Just end it already.

Friday, More dumb shit.

Saturday, Sunburn.

( Admittedly it wasn't that bad after Glee but you get the picture.)

Now he had no tacos, no weapons, no money.

(The day couldn't possibly get any worse.)

And that was when of course, the gods of the universe decided that that exact second was perfect for a red and blue webbed foot to scissor kick him right in face.Sending Wade flying back about half way across the roof before he was being heaved up by his collar, watching the little birdies fly around his head while none other than Spider-Man glared his big goggled eyes down at him.

" You have less than the amount of time on that timer to give me the code before I web you into a sausage and leave you for Wolverine or beat it out of you myself."

( ohh, some Buggy is in a bad mood.)

"Guh?"

" The bomb." Spidey snapped, gesturing to the bag. All tension and buissnrss in his shoulders and stance.

" The code to the bomb. _Now._ "

Wade blinked then snorted, relaxing his shoulders and letting Spider-Man support his weight. Which he did rather easily.

"The what?"

" THE BOMB."

Wade snruched up his nose and jerked a thumb at his duffel.

" In the bag?"

Spidey groaned irritably, rolling his eyes so hard his head lolled back.

" YES. In the bag!"

Wade grinned, shooting a limp finger gun in his direction.

" Keep making groans like that and and I'll give you whatever codes you want."

" Are you seriously flirting with me right now? " He accused, sounding more confused than angry.

(Go with it! This guy has a funny bone!)

" Uh...Yeah? I mean it's not everyday you see a guy with abs like Channing Tatum and a butt like Andrew Garfield. Even if he just came to ruin your lunch. I had some great mexican in that bag, I mean--"

"Wait--" Spider-Man suddenly interrupted, yanking Wade back up to his feet but keeping a grip on him.

" You _weren't_  about to bomb this place?"

Wade scrunched up his face and scoffed dramatically.

" No! How the fuck did you get bomb from tacos?"

Spider-Man leveled a deadpan look at him.

" You're a man in a red and black suit, covered in weapons and carrying a gym bag full of samtex and beef. Ignore the beef and that doesn't exactly scream that you're here for a friendly hello."

/He's got us there. /

" Touché. "

Spider-Man sighed and took his hands off Deadpool, who dropped like a sack og wet brickd,and stepped back, rubbing his hands down his face very dramatically.

Wade took the moment to look the hero up and down. Thin, more lean than beefy but muscular. Speaking of butt muscle, hot damn. For a bean pole the dude had the ass of a goddess. Perfection in the human--...mutant? Um. Bug form.

Spider-Man sighed, then spoke slow and irritably. 

" Why are you carrying a bag of meat and bombs, Deadpool? "

The Deadpool in question snorted and fixed the front of his suit theatrically. First around the collar that was so rudely yanked,then a snap of spandex around the crotchital region. Making sure it was still chill down there.

" What? Never spilled taco on your shopping before?" He scoffed. " You probably contracted rich prick-itis from Iron Dong. I bet when you joined their super hot people cult they gave you a butt load of bucks and now you're too good for me and my beef explosives. Well the jokes on you! I'm a rich prick too!....Half the time. Depends on how many hamsters I've bought that month. "

When Wade finally looked back prepared to meet Spider-Man's judgmental glare, he was met with the Spider...laughing? Yeah that was laughter alright.

The man's shoulders shook and he was making little snorty noises from the crook of his elbow. When he looked up, the small smile on his face was only shown by the apples of his cheeks pushing against his mask.

" What the hell are you talking about?"

" Monthly hamster quota, duh. I can't be the only one."

"Why would you buy hamsters monthly?"

"They escape and I still need people to watch the monthly Golden Girls Marathons with me."

" What channel has monthy Golden Girls Marathons?"

"My DVR."

Wade crossed his arms and stepped forward into Spider-Man's space,the other man only recoiling slightly which in itself was weird, since a step forward from him usually went seven steps back from everyone else.

"What's with the interrogation? You interested?"

Spidey snorted and took the invitation as a slap back into reality, stepping back a proper distance so they were a few feet apart again.

"So just so we're clear, no bombs?" Spider-man ignored the question, goggles narrowed and gesturing between the meat bag and his own person with two fingers.

Heaving an exaggerated sigh and adding a overdone slump of his shoulders for emphasis, Wade whined in reply.

"No MOM, I'm not gonna bomb anybody.....in New York."

"Deadpool--"

" Kidding,I'm  kidding! jk jk!"

(Not kidding.)

Spideys face scrunched up into a buggy scowl and Deadpool put his hands up in surrender, taking a step theatrical back and kicking his bag off the ledge and onto the roof just enough to make Spidey jump and stage whisper a startled "JESUS?!--" before realizing it wasn't gonna blow.

"See? Nothing's gonna happen. I'm as harmless as a....I'm....I can't think of something you can't give a snappy come back to."

" That's gonna be hard, I'm pretty good at that." Spider-man admittedly teased after a quick recovery, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Yeah like, that's our thing." Deadpool agreed, waving a hand between them.

"We're evenly matched. I'm hilarious, you're hilarious, I have a nice ass, you have a nice ass, everyone finds me annoying, everyone finds you annoying--"

"Everyone doesn't find me annoying." Spidey protested quickly and Wade scoffed.

(Ignoring the ass comment?)

/He's taking advantage of our thirty second attention span. Damn him./

" Oh come on. We're too alike for no one to find you annoying."

" No, it's more like I'm....pleasantly exasperating."

Now it was Wade's turn to laugh and from his forced tight stance, Spider-man was having trouble not doing the same.

(Is this the mythical playful banter we've heard about in the tales of old?)

/It's like our normal banter but no one is throwing things at us or crying./

"Don't laugh at me!"

" DENIAL."

" I'm not denying it. I'm just renaming it!"

" So its catchy."

"YES, so it's catchy!"

Spidey grinned and seemed to catch himself after a second,straighten himself with a quick cough that wasn't enough to get the grin off Wade's own face. This guy was weird. In a really,really interesting way.

(No one ever plays along. Not like this.)

/ Dude,Spidey must have ISSUES. Or literally no friends. Or a sense of self preservation./

"Spidey has a web warning or whatever the fuck it's called. It's one of his powers."

"Spidey sense."

Wade startled and raised a brow, surprised at the response.

"What?"

"It's a spidey sense, not a web warning, to who ever--" he waved a hand at Wade's head generally.  "--was asking."

/Is he talking to us?/

( We get a conversation that's not with shit's mcgee? PRAISE JAHOVAH.)

Deadpool narrowed his eyes.

" You're talking about the boxes right? Well in this case it's dashes and parenthesis but fuck it, thats who you meant?"

"Well yeah." Spidey shrugged. Fucking SHRUGGED. Like it was casual.

" Your skitzophrenic, right?"

"That's a term for it, sure."

"It's something you have, you can't ignore it, so I'm not going to." He put rather bluntly.

"You were talking about me, you said something in response to them, I answered."

Wade squinted harder, the white circles of his mask that covered his eyes barely slits as he made a full circle around Spidey, poking an arm or leg here or there in his investigation, making the webbed wonder flinch and swat at his hands when he did.

" You sure you're not crazy?" Wade grumbled. " You're pulling some shit, right?"

"Uh, no." Spidey assured.

"Not crazy, as far as I know. But I've been talking to you for a pretty long time so who knows at this point."

Wade snorted into little giggles, playfully punching Spidey's arm and continuing to laugh when Spidey didn't even pretend to flinch and had to pull back his fist in pain, shaking out his hand while probably broken bones mended.

( He's like a ROCK.)

/And he's funny./

(Well built too.)

/AND he's one of the first people ever to actually talk to us./

(Let's keep him. Oh please, can we?)

"Well um--"

Snapped back into reality Wade watched as Spider-Man smiled briefly one last time and took a perch at the buildings edge.

The sunset in the distance made his silhouette glow and bounce off of him perfectly in shades of orange and pink that faded into the distance. Deadpool refused to acknowledge the warm feeling in his stomach, that surprisingly wasn’t gas, when he saw it.

" Have fun with your meat and not- bombs." Spidey said." Stay out of trouble so I don't have to kick you out of my city and.....We'll see about that Golden Girls marathon."

And with that, he was gone. Wade found a small card in his pouch later that night with "SPIDER-MAN" written in loopy letters and a scratched number for a burner cell.Only then did he fully grasp what Spidey had said.

( Do we have a date with Spider-Man? )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2. Still have no idea what I'm doing but it's pretty fun??


	3. Court the Spider-man

 

"So what's the plot of this again?"

" The tornado is full of sharks."

"Yes, I think I got that part."

"And the sharks are killing people while in the tornado."

"Are they mutant sharks?" Spider-man asks, his mask pulled up above his nose to reveal just enough pale skin to take swigs from the wine cooler  (Yes,Wine cooler. Apparently Spider-Man was a priss) he'd been nursing since he drained the last one.

"No." Wade snorts, chugging down the last of his own beer and chucking it behind him with a smash that made Spidey flinch the last seven times he did it, but didn't seem to faze him much anymore.

"Why would they be mutants?"

"They're not dying in the tornado." Spidey says, gesturing to the flat screen.

"They can apparently breathe air. Last I checked, the only shark I've ever met that breathed air was a half person."

"You met a half shark person and didn't invite me?" Wade gasped and Spider-man laughed, something he had stopped trying to hide weeks ago after their second after-battle-movie night.

_/Oh shit this is our cue for some crappily explained backstory!/_

**(Let's do it quick we only have enough time for a little backstory and a piss before the commercials over.Sharknado makes too little sense to miss any of it.)**

After their brief meat-bomb disagreement about a month and a half back, Deadpool and Spider-man started hanging out.

Well, okay that's a lie.

It took seven straight hours of fighting fifteen meter high snail robots in his neighborhood, that he legally had nothing to do with FOX NEWS,about a week later.

But hours after that shit show, Deadpool and Spider-man were nearly dead (so close) with exhaustion. And being a gracious host and friend,he offered to piggyback Spidey back to his apartment for a beer. An offer which at that point he was pretty sure Spidey physically couldn't have refused if he tried.

And they had that Golden Girls marathon after all.

He must not have hated it too much, because a week and another hapharzard battle for their lives later, Spider-man came back.

And, you guessed it, again the next week.

It quickly became a thing. Show up at the fight, punch whatever needed punching, then head back to his place for a few hours worth of bad movies, good drinks and hilarious commentary, if he did say so himself.

After the first month, he learned Spidey's name was Peter through a poorly timed call, accidently on speaker and video phone, from someone named Kamala.

( Who in her defense managed to still sound vaguely apologetic through all the laughter when Wade started the first rendition of the name game ,with added accurate American Horror Story Dance moves.)

Wade rubbed it Pete's face for a few days afterward, making jokes about his "peter' so often he had to bring a pillow for when Spidey would go straight to smacking his head against the nearest wall,only after it stopped being funny, of course.

But despite promising he'd keep his name a secret,and the multiple puppet shows he made Pete sit through, Spidey came back.

Again and again, week after week.Without fail.

After a while, he stopped waiting for a fight to break out to get them together. They had rooftop taco tuesdays, played Pretty Pretty Princess on Avengers tower TWICE (mostly to piss of the Avengers for one thing or another that Spidey wouldn't go into beyond "having his reasons",but the reactions were enough. And with how hard it was to find  good Pretty Pretty Princess partners now a days, he didn't push.) and they even went away together for the weekend!

_/I don't think getting kidnapped counts./_

**(We were taken to an island.We went swimming. That counts**.)

We had to swim away from a burning boat. No it doesn't.

Long story short, they were kinda thing now.

**(Oh how lovely our delusions are.)**

"They made three of these?" Spidey said, shaking his head and setting his empty bottle down on the end table.

"I would say I'm losing faith in media but that was gone after the Avatar: The Last Airbender movie."

"Hey!" Wade chastised. "This won AWARDS!"

"It got best internet sensation. John Cena could win that. So could Grumpy cat." Peter grinned, leaning back comfortably into the couch, and watching him through half lidded goggles.

" Don't fuck with John Cena." Deadpool warned, leaning in for effect,close enough to smell the wine on Spidey's breath. Punnily enough, it was intoxicating.

"There's a reason he's a meme."

"What isn't a meme? _I'm_ a meme." Spider-man chuckled.

A pause for a effect, then Wade leaned back into his seat and snapped a finger gun at his guests direction.

"Touch'e, douch'e."

"You're a mystery, Wade Wilson." Peter suddenly sighed, grin stuck to his face and a hand against his cheek as he leaned on the arm rest. The mood shifted into something a bit calmer and more nerve wracking at the same time.

" Kinda thought I was an open book." Wade countered and leaned the opposite direction to give them some space that Spidey was usually the one providing.

"Well, you are very open on your bathroom schedule." Peter said and Wade nodded.

"Gotta let 'em know so I'm not interrupted. It's a sacred three hours."

Peter gagged and laughed again, the sound was as hypnotizing as the smile on his face.

"See, that's what I mean!" He leaned forward, hands on his knees in a way that only seemed to make the pretzel position he had on the couch look even more ridiculous and unnecessarily bendy.

" All these dumb jokes. I never would've expected it was really you."

"As opposed to my clone?" Deadpool slurred through another gulp of newly opened--- wine cooler? He looked at the bottle and scowled. He better not catch Spidey's priss.

"As opposed to a persona." Peter waved a hand around his own face.

"For the mask."

" Nah,"  Wade casually said. "I'm pretty real. Scarily so."

"I know." Peter said, looking at him a little memorized.

"That's why it's so weird."

"What?"

"How much I like you."

Peter said it with a laugh, a friendly casual tone that normally would just be sweet and only a little weird. But the phrase itself sent fire from the bottom of his stomach up to the top of his head with a startling intensity.

**(How are we supposed to respond to that?)**

_/Think of everything Sex in the City has ever taught us and focus./_

" Well uh---With an ass like this how can you not?"

Peter then paused, leaned back in his seat pretzel legs and all, then took a swing of his drink and said,

" Well, it _was_ the original reason I started coming over."

And Wade, being a master of composure, spit his drink out onto the coffee table in a fantastic spray fit of a Bellagio Hotel fountain.

And Peter laughed his _ass off_.

" Dude, your face! I can't--"

Spidey doubled over, hands braced on the arm of the couch while Wade stared dumbly at New York's finest wall crawler, curled up and giggling like a schoolgirl on his shitty couch after complementing his ass. To his  _face._

"What?" Peter looked up, all bright smiles and white teeth. Looking at him like _he_  was the weird one right now.

" You can dish out the butt jokes but can't take them?"

Wade realized he never really stopped to look at people before that second.

Because there he was, Spider-Man, leaned towards him with only a few inches to spare with the brightest, warmest smile he'd ever seen directed at anyone in his vacainty before, let alone at him. His cheeks were flushed with delight and he had the tiniest hint of freckles along the bridge of his nose and a small mole on his neck, towards his jaw. A lock of brunette hair was sticking out from his mask, near his ear.

His lips were wet with wine.

"Wade?"

He hadn't pulled up his own mask, so when Wade made the inches of space between theirs lips disappear, Peter's lips were met with red fabric instead of his own.

Which in hindsight, didn't really matter since their lips only brushed for a millisecond after Wade came in so hard he smacked their foreheads together enough to make Spidey fell off the couch, crack the coffee table then tumble to the floor in a pile of limbs and wood chips.

 _/Well **fuck**_. _/_

**(Stastically,I don't think we can fuck up anymore than we just did. We're at supreme levels of ass hattery right here.)**

Peter held his head in his hands with his back against the floor, feet up straight in the air as he rolled towards the couch pathetically in pain. Deadpool cursed again, ignoring his blurred vision and throbbing lump on his own forehead to stumble over the edge of the couch and hold Peter's head over where Spidey's own hands rested.

_/Yeah that'll help./_

**(I think I'm gonna take a nap.No one can help this assclown at this point and it's making me hate the brain we're stuck in more than usual.)**

_/Wow dude.Real team player./_

"Pete? Peter? Shit, dude are you okay? Please don't tell me I broke Spider-man. I can't handle a suit from Marvel!"

 /I _think that'd be Disney, now./_

All that was coming out of the assaulted arachnid were little squeaks and gasps that ,for a horrifying millisecond, sounded like tears. Until Spider-man removed both sets of hands from his flushed face to reveal his pearly whites and the sound of breathless laughter that Wade decided in that moment he would happily drown in.

Before he could even process what was going through his head, long fingers on nimble hands pulled up the edge of his mask until it reached the brim of his scarred nose, and he was staring down at the upside down face of Spider-Man. Getting closer by the second as he was pulled down.

Peter stopped laughing after a dignified snort and smiled.

" You missed."

Then, Deadpool kissed Spider-man.


	4. Realize The Spider And The Man Are The Same Person

" You have to fight mutant space turtles. You get one animal to turn into an anamorphic warrior teammate. Go."

"So I don't get to pick turtles?"

"You can pick more turtles but it'll get confusing."

"True. I want a Goose."

"Dude, I said fight not brutally murder them."

"They shouldn't have been messing with my planet if they didn't want to fight our geese." Peter said, like it was obvious. And it was.

"Okay, so one hundred duck sized horses, or ten horse sized ducks? Go."

"Really? That's original." Wade scoffed, the half a carton of chow mein in his mouth making his words almost incomprehensible to anyone who wasn't fluent in 'stuffed mouth speak'. Luckily, Spidey was.

" I didn't ask for your opinion, I asked what size you'd prefer to fight ducks." Spidey said without missing a beat, crossing his feet at the ankles on the lawn chair he'd set out before Wade had gotten there.

The roof of Avengers Tower was huge and completely void of anything. It doubled as a heli-pad, so it had to be, but Peter had texted and assured Wade that he was at least 12% sure nothing was going to land on and or murder them up there. Including the Avengers who hadn't taken kindly to the merc's sudden annual appearances since he and Spidey started smacking face on the regular.

/What a romantic way to say casual hook ups./

They hadn't officiated anything, but Wade definitely felt that with each in battle ass grab, post fondue night make-out and pre-accidental punch in the face patrol they had was slowly inching him closer to 'boy-toy' status opposed to...whatever they were now.

(Fuck buddies?)

/We haven't actually done that yet./

( Butt buddies?)

/Insinuates the same thing. Try again. Loose the buddies and stick with the alliteration./

( Masked MakeOut Musketeers.)

/That's the one./

No matter what they were, it was turning into something. Peter, despite Wade's berating of him to do so, (That usually assured he wouldn't get anything he wanted) gave Wade his phone number. And not a shitty convenience store burner anymore either. It was-- okay the phone was still super shitty. It _flipped open_ for Death's sake. But it was his real one. And best of all?

His name had two emoticons next to it and his ringtone was Barbie Girl. By PETER's CHOICE.

(We're in love.)

/Not that we'd admit it without some sort of bribery. We just found someone so stupid that they enjoy our company. We'll wait until AFTER we scar him emotionally to make him run off, _Thank you very much_./

And now there they sat. The roof was still empty, but Spidey had minimally decked out the small overhang area with a cooler, two lawn chairs, an end table stolen from someone's room in the tower no doubt, and four bags of Chinese take out being eaten by the two masked men in red. Said masks rolled up to their noses and gloves tossed aside to avoid soy sauce stains.

(Like our suit can get any worse.)

/Our natural scent is blood, meat and Febreze./

"Okay fine, pushy." Deadpool said, grinning from the corner of his mouth. The other cheek was stuffed with food.

" I'd take the horse sized ducks. But instead, I will tame them and ride them into battle."

Spidey shook his head and clucked his tongue. Swallowing whatever he had stuffed in his own mouth with while Wade was talking.

" No no. You gotta take the duck size horses. You'll make millions if you sell them. Better yet, start races."

"I'm not trying to sell my children, asshole." Wade rebuffed and reveled in the bark of laughter Spidey had to cut short to choke on a large bit of chicken.

A dopey smile on his face, Wade slapped Peter hard on the center of the back and watched him cough between high pitched giggles and breaths of air.

" Y-Your children?"  Spider-Man eventually managed, face red and soy sauce on his cheek.

" Oh. I'm sorry, _our_  children." Deadpool dutifully corrected, chopsticks over his heart in sincerity.

/If you were going to just cover us in food way did you take off the gloves?/

( Don't interrupt! I think this is about to get sexy.)

"Oh Wade." Spidey suddenly swooned, hand over his heart and a grin on his lips. He leaned into the space between them with ease despite the gap their table made in between the chairs.Another unconscious use of the extreme flexibility that he'd seen the masked man use since they started talking. If the superhero gig didn't work out, he could make a pretty penny as a contortionist.

When he leaned his face in, Spider-man's mask's goggles reflected Wade's face and he wished he could see through and look at his stupid nerdy eyes. They probably as nice as the bottom half of his stupid, nerdy, dumb face.

"You want to raise tiny mutant horses with me?"

Catching the joke, Deadpool shoved his chair halfway across the roof and knelt down on one knee, taking Spidey's hand in his while the web head himself threw his head back in laughter when Wade held the limb to his chest and looked into his goggles.

"Oh Peter whateverthefuckyourlastnameis. Will you become tiny horse farmers with me?"

" Oh god." Peter mock sniffled as he moved to face Wade,throwing his legs over the side of the chair and fanning his hand over where he eyes were, presumably, under his goggles

"I promised myself I wasn't gonna cry."

" Say it. " Wade purred with a toothy grin. He felt the scars on his exposed mouth stretch with it and soaked in every second that Spidey's smile didn't falter or flinch.

"Say you'll farm with me you beautiful bug man."

Wade kissed the knuckle of his hand, moving up his arm with a kiss each time. Spidey had lost the act at this point and had his free hand over his mouth to muffle the snorting giggles that were ,despite his best efforts, spilling through his fingers and causing his shoulders to shake.

Spider-man laughed with his whole body. His eyes, despite not being seen, crinkled. The apples of his cheeks always pushed up because he always smiled. Even if it was a tiny snort or a full body guffaw his teeth were front and center and his lips,quirked up at the corners.

By the time Deadpool had reached his web'd shoulder, Spidey had leaned back onto his chair and let the merc crawl up from the concrete floor to straddle his lap with a wide smile from both patrons. Wade stopped to work on a  small section of exposed skin under Peter's jaw and Peter himself rested his hands on Wade's hips and started their way up his back.

" You're uh, giving a very convincing argument." Peter breathed and moved to meet meet his smooth lips to scarred ones.

( This is in the running for the best moment of our life.)

/There's gotta be something wrong with this kid. He probably has mommy issues. Spider moms eat their kids heads ya know. That's a thing that happens. This guy probably came from an egg and his mom tried to rip his head off./

(How can you handle this much rational thought right now?)

/I'm buying time because the author can't write the steamy stuff./

Wade pulled back and took a deep breath, forehead to forehead with Spider-man who was attempting to catch his own breath.

"Will you guys shut the fuck up? I'm trying to enjoy this."

"Yeah, shut up." Peter hummed into the crook of Wade's neck. He could feel him smiling against the suit.

"See? Peter agrees with me."

/Peter can suck a dick./

(Hopefully ours.)

Deadpool grinned.

"Well I like the sound of that."

"They said something about sucking dick didn't they?"

Wade reared back and squinted, moving his straddle to a sitting position on Peter's hips and crossed his legs.

"Exsqueeze me?"

"Wade Wilson." Peter smiled with his head tilted to the side, moving his hands up and down his biceps.

"Do you honestly think I can't tell what you're thinking?"

(Test him.)

"Prove it."

"You're still thinking about sucking dick."

Wade gasped and grabbed Peter's cheeks, squishing until his lips were pursed.

" Sorcerer! How?!"

"4 out of 5 Deadpool thoughts are about dick."

( He's not wrong.)

"You don't know how the boxes work." Wade countered, a little less good naturedly then the rest of the conversation. But Peter didn't still, running each uncovered digit across his belt, tracing the stitching of his suit.

" No. I'll admit to that."

"But you're okay with them?"

Peter looked up from watching his own hands trace him, the only indication being the small lift of his chin.

" I'm okay with you. And they're a part of you."

He took a deep breath out his nose. Opened his mouth once, closed it. Then flicked his eyes back down to where his hands rested on his stomach. The warmth bled through and he resisted to the urge to shiver when they moved and exposed him to the cold night air.

" Even if you're not okay. Because-- it's okay not to be okay.With me. But I'm okay with you."

A release of breath. Wade didn't know he was holding one.

" All of you."

The solemn expression was interrupted by a small quirk of his lip.

" Spider-Men and Deadpool's. We're habitually okay."

He smirked up at him playfully.

"It's science."

The comment was earth shattering in a very small way. In the way that his head spun and his heart felt full of helium. He needed to say something. Something to let this one person who didn't lie and say they were perfectly fine with who he was and the things he'd done. That they understood something no one could understand.Or pull a 180 and hate him with every fiber or core of their being because they thought they knew exactly why and how he did things.

He was suddenly, in the eyes of one man, normal. He wasn't one way or the other. Because he didn't understand. Peter was never going to be him, in his head with his experiences. But he was willing to just be with him, despite never getting it. Despite never understanding.

He was okay.

There was nothing to say to that.

So Wade blew a raspberry at him.

And he flipped off Spider-man to squeeze up next to him in the already small chair,Ignoring Peter's half hearted whines and complaints until they were mostly side by side. Peter's leg was thrown over Wade,positioned with his head on his larger shoulder until they were both smooshed and looking out at the New York evening skyline.

" And you're suddenly a scientist?" Wade mumbled, chin perched on the crown of Peter's head. An arm around his shoulders and the other on his thigh.

"I'm a biochemist. And a photographer. I work for the Daily Bugle."

It all came out in a jumble of hurried information and Deadpool blinked owlishly down at Peter, who kept his eyes gazing outward. His body was tense, mouth in a thin line.

" That's some secret Peter information." Wade said eventually. Thinking over that said information was a slow process.

(We're a slow process.)

Secret identity got old after a few weeks. When the questions and teasing eventually got to close to home, or there was a sudden need to flee from a planned day or battle, they started throwing around the new code. Wade knew his name was Peter. He didn't know WHICH Peter. That was the secret. So when the alter ego suddenly had a  reason to run it was "Secret Peter has a lunch meeting." Or "Secret Peter had to be at work an hour ago."

Wade wasn't supposed to know that secret.

"Maybe I want you to know about secret Peter." Barely a whisper. Like it was struggling to come out despite how hard he wanted it too.

( Like a poo. We know that feeling well.)

/This is kind of serious. Maybe don't talk about constipation?/

( Do we want to know this?)

/No shit we do! We just need to not fuck it up./

"You uh, want me to know?" Wade barely managed through the butterflies marching their way from his stomach up to his throat. There was a large chance he was going to barf. A smaller, but just as likely chance he was going to fart and or pop a boner from excitement.

"Yeah." Was the eventual small reply from below him. The webhead's hand was rythmic in small circles in the center of the merc's chest, the movement of his fingers curling and curving with each scar he caught under his path.Peter had troubling keeping his hands still. He could watch those fingers move for hours.

" I trust you not to blab or murder me at this point. And if we continue--this."

Peter paused and swallowed, thick. His breath was hot on Wade's neck and the swirling fingers stopped and curled, gripping the fabric. He was okay. Nervous, but okay.

"I'd like to continue--this. What this is."

/oh god we meant that too./

The grip on his chest and the thick heat in his stomach released at the same time, luckily the latter was not a fart. And suddenly the sound of the city, each car horn, fighting couple, laughing bystander and crying baby was white noise compared to the thundering drum of his heart in Wade's ears.

There was a rustle of fabric.

When Wade peered down again, Peter was looking at him too.

With big, doey Bambi eyes, thick eyebrows, and a bright smile.

"Me too."

Wade gaped.

/ NO GODDAMN WAY./

(CHILI DOG GUY. NO GAG REFLEX MAN. HOBO HIPSTER--)

/IT'S--/

"BLUE EYES-NICE ASS!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (( This one wasn't beta'd to cut me some slack. Thank you all for the kudos and nice words! You're the reason I do this!))


	5. Get In Good With The Friends (Without Even Being There)

"So basically you've been hardcore flirting with Deadpool?"

Peter choked and sat forward, violently coughing off the ledge side where he sat, Nova, Ms.Marvel, Human Torch and White Tiger beside him with their respective lunches sitting on the side of Avengers tower's roof.

Johnny watched Pete hack for another three seconds before taking pity and handing him his soda, which Peter drank thankfully before clearing his throat and handing it back.

" NO." Peter finally answered with a violent turn of his head and glare towards Sam Alexander, who'd taken off his helmet and had had the same look of unsurprised non-amusement throughout his entire hacking session and continued to hold it through Peter pitiful glare and attempted denial.

"I've just been--"

"Flirting." Kamala filled in before he could finish, and started laughing when the glare was suddenly directed at her.

" I wasn't flirting with him!"

"So you've just been casually hanging out for the last six  months--" Ava supplied.

" Five and a half months." Peter interjected and Ava held a clawed finger up to his lips.

"--- six months, just because?"

"Well---" Peter stumbled. "Yeah. Why not?"

"I can give you a laundry list of reason, Parker." Johnny said through a large mouthful of salad, classy as always Storm.

"I can have other super powered friends other than you guys."

"We're not bringing this up because we're jealous, Pete." Sam frowned into his sandwich.

"He's not...stable."

"Yeah and?"

"Well you can't prete--what?" Sam backtracked and Peter took a large bite of chili dog,chewed and swallowed before answering.

" I know he's unstable. He's been through a lot of stuff and has a lot of mental junk going on he can't deal with because of his healing factor. He's got it hard,man. Deadpool is a complicated guy."

"He's a killer!" Ava gaped.

" So am I." Peter scowled  and was met with nothing but silence until Kamala put a hand on his shoulder, to which he turned and looked over at her.

"That's different ,Pete."

" Yeah, in circumstance, sure." Peter spoke indignantly.

"But it's the same end game. You're messed up in a lot of ways and people avoid you because of it. There's nothing that can be done about it now, so you need to...figure everything out again. Wade's been put through a lot and most of the time he didn't have control. And the times he did are worse but....You can tell he tries. A lot. And that's more than I can say for nearly everyone we've dealt with in the last five years, let alone the last week."

Peter paused and looked down onto his now, cold food with a blank face, taking a deep breath then a large bite and swallowing before continuing.

"He's funny, and crude and stupid and has a horrible diet, has way too many obsessions and likes hamsters a lot. And you know....I really like him." Peter shrugged.

"....And I mean, we hang out with Sam so it's not like he's the weirdest guy I've ever met."

Kamala snorted and Johnny smiled brightly, bursting into laughter at the look of death on Sam's face he was met with. And when Peter looked up, he laughed too.

"I'm kidding, jeez! Take a pill, Alexander!"

" YOU TAKE A PILL."

Ava chuckled and patted Sam sympathetically on the back.

"Nice one, Sam. You really got him with that one."

"I've concluded I hate all of you."

" It's good to know you care." Peter cooed and hand placed over his heart.

"Great subject changer by the way." Kamala smirked, nudging Peter with her shoulder.

"Thank you, I crafted it very carefully."

The laughter slowly dulled into calm silence,and angry eating on Nova's part, until everyone was more focused on the sound of traffic below their dangling feet than each other.

"You know we're only mentioning it because we care about you, right?"

Peter smiled at Kamala and nodded, setting his empty food container to the side and taking his mask out of the pile the group had accumulated of costume parts they'd removed behind them.

"I know."

Then the silence returned.

So Peter pulled on his mask, and shot a line of webbing at the adjacent building.

"And uh, what I said before? We weren't flirting. We are now, but I don't think it counts if we're dating."

And with that, Peter swung away from the chorus of shocked shrieks of his friends with the biggest shit-eating grin he could muster.

He'll pay for that later.

But Wade will be so proud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (( A quick little view into Peter's world. Sorry for the long wait but don't worry, there's more to come! I have all the chapters planned, the last step is writing them. Wish me luck!))

**Author's Note:**

> Welp it's been a while since I wrote but Spideypool hasnt failed me yet so let's see how this goes. Comments are appreciated!


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